All Tour Stories

Christmas Tour - Europe 1996

Posted: December 12th, 1996 by Hinge

11/1 Birch Hill Nightclub, Old Bridge NJ.
Ah, a rare show in the USA. And in New Jersey, even! This club is known for the endless parade of former Big Assed (and usually big haired) Metal bands that played here. First show of our tour. To be honest, not much happened. Had a great time though. It usually takes a few gigs for the fun to begin.

11/21 Sea Sea's, Moosic, PA.
And so the fun begins. This venue has a Twilight Zone kind of feel to it. So does the diner where Chris and I have dinner, except a bit of Twin Peaks ambience adds an extra layer of strangeness to the evening. Kevin and Billy are flying in from Vladavlostock Russia, where Billy gave a lecture on Mickey Mouse Image Phenomenon. He's the leading expert on the field. Their flight's late, so Chris, Booge and myself prepare to play without them. Oh no. We're on. Oh no.........gig now. Think I'll go look outside, in case they should drive right past the venue, as we did. The sign out front, which should have the name of the club on it says...........NOTHING!!!!! They should get that fixed. So, there I am, on the street in Moosic, gun rack equipped pickup trucks wizzing by,for about 5 minutes when They arrive. Yes. We're on. We kick Holy Ass. We go to Dennys. We drive.

11/22 Obsessions, Randolph, NJ.
I refuse to comment on this evening. It sucked

11/23 Tune Inn - New Haven, CT. (w/ MADBALL & Lady Luck)
Got invited to a fashion show, and a gig broke out.

11/29 The Globe Theatre - Norwalk, CT.
Had a nice time observing the complex behavior of the many gothic kids in attendence. First show with Rezin. We're still in America though, so I haven't got much else to say.

12/4 Atlantis - Alkmaar, Holland
Ah, home again. It's good to be back in Europe. We met up with our unfailing british soundman Paul "CandyPants" Low at the airport. (Are you suposed to wear underwear with leather trousers?) Let me digress a bit first. During the flight, on the far superior Virgin Airways, Booge was the landing pad for an ill passenger, who passed out and bounced off him. Said passenger then shit himself and proceeded to stink up the cabin. To make matters worse for the poor bloke, Booge yelled "Get the fuck off me you wimp". Just kidding, Booge would never do something like that. He's a softie. So anyhow, we drive for a really long time in our favorite big blue tour bus to the lovely little Dutch city of Alkmaar, where we're confronted by a local holiday tradition that we Americans know nothing about. Hmmm, this is sensitive material, so how do I write about it without sounding....um.....like naive? I can't --- fuck! Well, let's just say that they have an alternative Santa Claus here. He doesn't have a big white beard, or white anything for that matter. Nuf said. (editors note: it was later discovered that the little black santa helpers are called "schwarta piets", Santa's helpers who have gotten black faces and hands from dropping down chimmney stacks. whew!! We had incorrectly thought that it ws European Christmas tradition that Santa Claus was a slave trader. thankfully we were wrong.) So, the day seems fine. All is well. One problem though, our equipment and merch haven't shown up yet. It's getting late. Oh cool, here's our merch. Where's our High Tech Rock Gear?!? In Germany!!!!!! (we are in Holland at the momment) AAAAAAARRRG (dutch spelling of ARRG). Thanks to the club, and Coresh (an opening band), we were enabled to rock. And we do, to a sea of Cans. And we're not even in Canada.

12/5 Day Off, Amsterdam
Saw it all, did it all, walked alot. Got a clue to this European Alternate Santa Claus in the Rijks Museum. Has something to do with the Magi.

12/6 Staddijk - Nijmegen, Holland
Ginger Bread......in the dressing room. Is it Crispy Duck, or a form of chicken. Canned Goods. Wake and Bake. Santa......crazy on the junk. It's the most, wonderfull time, of the year. Okay, obviously I'm having a hard time developing any semblance of an actual tour story. What did happen yesterday. Rezin is on a three man mission to legalize hemp. DUH!! word of the day?..Tits.

12/7 Kiehool - Bergum, Holland
Well, not much is happening out here in dyke country. It's very quiet in this part to the world. I think they call it Friesland. It means freezing land, I know, cause my bald spot is chilly. Brrrr. Dot dot dot dot..

12/8 Atak - Enschede, Holland
Last day in Holland, and so many coffee shops to visit. It's Sunday, and there's not much else to do. Well, of course, I could Jack my overdue pole. Nah. Lots of memories at this club. We've been here, oh, 40 times or so. Oops, sorry, mind wandering, coherent thought no longer capable. Ah, the beauty of Christmas in Holland. Billy, our current light tech and bass player (he replaced Stosh, who's currently involved in clinical trials for a new bad breath treatment), takes pride in decking our amps and drums every evening. During the show, Kevin wandered over to my amp and brushed up against said lights. One bulb was broken, and it's electricity lit up Kevin instead. Kinda like the star on top of your Christmas tree. Then, he threw his mic at me and in a daze began to stumble around the stage. Ooooouuuuccchhh. He survived, luckily. Over and out.

12/9 Arapaho - Paris, France
Ah, beautiful Paris again. And some of us haven't ever seen it. Ah, fuck it, too cold. Better to sleep the day away and maybe wander, Zombie like, through the all too American mall. Makes me sick. One thing though, here in Europe, they don't overdue Christmas like in America. You know, I've been pretty damn straight throughout this tour. Must start drinking more. Learned a new French word tonight, "Encule" COME ON !!!! (we shouted all night)

12/10 Hirsch - Nurnberg, Germany
Started drinking more, onstage. Yeah. Somehow, it didn't effect my performance. (Yeah, right). So, here we are, first grey cold day in Germany. The Fatherland. A German Shepard came to the show, but I don't think he payed (guestlist) . How do I know it was a he. HE tried to hump my leg. Bastard. He was cute though (he was smiling), so I'll forgive his doggie indiscretion. He know not who he humpith. Dean, of Rezin, Knows though. Ha, Ha.

12/11 Backstage - Munich, Germany
Yeaaah. Munchen. Love it here. We had so much fun today. First, we got to sit on a train for a while, wondering, clueless, if it would ever move. Then, as if that wasn't enough, Some of us got to go hang out with our buddies from Type O Negative. I didn't go cause I didn't want to threaten Pete Steele with my girl lovin ways. (Your welcome Peter). Heard they have snow machines onstage, Richie Koffer and more. Later that evening, Rezin mounts the stage. You know what Rezin is, right. It's that black shit that clogs up your bong. Then, when your desperate, you smoke it. Um, I got to stop writing now. Cramps. Yeah

12/12 Day Off
Usually I don't like to discuss our day off activities with the world. Guess what? I'm not gonna this time either. Nah nah na nah nah. I would like to give an honorable mention to one of last nights show casualities. Seems one member of the audience got a bit drunk. No, really, really drunk. After showing us her breasts a few times (with bra), she figured it might be a good time to drive home. DUH. Well, away whe went, and back she came. Used one of the club staffs car as a bumper. Kevin and Billy went to talk some sense into her, thus endangering their lives. Fortunately, no blood was spilled.

12/13 BKA Zelt - Berlin, Germany
What a night, what a party. Cirque Du Pup. Hmmm, where do I begin to describe the events of this day. Well, to start with, we played in a tent. The tent was part of an almost Alice in Wonderland type of setting, very surreal, maze like. Strange tilting doors beckon in every direction, tilting floors create a funhouse like atmosphere. So, now that I've set the stage, let's party. Oh man, party we did. This show was an anniversary party for the Berlin magazine "Uncle Sally". They sure have alot of friends, being that their guest list swelled to over 400. Hey, do you like girls? Well, every variety was represented here tonight. More cans then the Coca Cola warehouse. Beer. Oh yeah, alot of that too. A bit too much for me, I'm sorry to say. If you were there, thanks for the memories. Truely the best day of the tour so far. Hey, did you ever hear The Cucumber Men? If not, you should check them out. They got the funk. Beatsteaks were cool too, but they must get some better looking cheerleaders.

12/14 Alter Schlacthof - Soest, Germany
What a beautifull little city. On a very chilly day. I wander thru it's time worn streets, and discover a church built in 1105. The square around the church is filled with the feeling of Christmas. I return to the square later that evening, it's streets now cold and vacant. I look at the church, and start thinking about time. This almost 900 year old medieval church exists outside of what we think of as time. Okay, I know I'm getting a bit philosophical here. Can't help myself. So, I head back to the club, past houses still lived in since the walls were built around the city. I love moments like this.

12/15 Marquee - Hamburg, Germany
Cool, Ho, oops, I mean Hamburg. Once again, here we are in the Reeperbahn. Red Light District to those of you non-world travelers. There's alot to do here, and quite a variety of ways to spend your hard earned $. Hey, if you own a sports clothing company that's overstocked in ski-suits, Hamburg would be a good place to unload few dozen. We had a girl audition for the band tonight. We wanted her to sing "Summer Lovin", but for some reason she only knew "Wild Thing". She did okay, but I don't think we're the right band for her. Tonight is also the begining on Billy's birthday. So, at midnight, we begin a 24 hour period of hard drinking and mirth making. Yeah. Oh yeah, just want to thank our good friends Andrea and David for comming out tonight.

12/16 Marquee - Hamburg, Germany
Hey, we're still here. We all went out for a "Band Meal" and ate Steaks like they wuz going outta style. Ummm good. At least for the carnivores. Last night, we watched the movie "Heavenly Creatures", which I highly recommend to all. Went to bed at 5 am and decided to sleep until dark. Fuck the sun. Walked around a bit, got invited sking a few times, then it's back to the Marquee for more fun. Hey, it's still Bill's birthday, so we decide to do some more drinking. Got really drunk, onstage, and in a fit of head shaking song ending finale bravisimo, covered my face with snot. Yuck. Then, Billy got to down 12 Kamikazi shots. Thats alot. He became very funny. Heard he tried to convert some ski ho's to Christianity.

12/17 Tower - Bremen, Germany
Cool, a gig in a Dungeon. Had the overwhelming desire to make out with a girl (preferably my girlfriend, but damn, shes not here) on the dark, gothic stairs. Didn't happen though. We got to see the famous statue of stacked animals. If you know the story behind this statue, send us an E-mail, we'd love to know. Once again, I was filled with a warm fuzzy feeling as I wandered around the Christmas markets near the towering cathedrals. I wonder if a German would get the same feeling wandering around a typical American mall. I doubt it. I wonder if anybody important (in America) ever gets to read this shit. Like Bill Clinton. Hey Bill, could you pass a bill (no joke intended) outlawing Santas in Shopping Malls, and that Christmas consumer targeting begins no earlier than December 1. Maybe I'm just thinking that the grass is greener on the other side of the ocean. I just think that the desire for $ has ruined the spirit of Christmas in America. On a final note, I'd like to discuss insomnia for a moment. There's many forms of this oh so annoying condition. First, there's your typical "I can't fucking sleep even though I'm really tired variety". Then, there's the "Driving into East Germany at night" variety, when the thump, thump, thump of the really shitty roads makes sleep impossible. There's also the occasional "slept too much earlier today" variety. Fairly common to us. I'm working on a few cures at home in my lab. One is called Jacking my Pole. Another involves substance abuse, and I've just begun research into a method involving small furry animals. P.E.T.A.'s on my ass though. Shhhh.

12/18 Jolly Roger - Meppen, Germany
Went to a gig, and a Statue Exhibition broke out. If your looking for an obscure charity to donate money to, Meppen is the home of the "Center for the Rhythm Challenged". Send them some money, and make a few feet happy. Hey, want to start a debate? Pose the qustion "Do dogs smile?" to your friends and watch the fun begin. Tonight, Kevin came out of his usually sedate shell and decided to personally escort a few lucky audience members to the front of the stage.

12/19 Kantine - Koln, Germany
Hmmm. Don't want to write my true feelings about this day. It sucked.

12/20 Garage - Saarbrukken, Germany (festival)
Festival schmestival. Ever had a monitor guy laugh at you as your yelling "I can't hear a fucking thing!" We did. Ever play on the same bill as Schweisser? The fuckers even took away our not so happening deli tray, way too early. Then, Billy got to vomit. Oh, my achin' back. Someone help me......please.

12/21 BAD - Hannover, Germany
Last show in Germany. Really gonna miss our good new friends The Cucumber Men. Chris saw them last year in a bar and before this tour asked if they could come out and play. The only weird thing for us is that all the lyrics are in german. By the end of the tour we had made up our own words to most of the songs anyway. Smoking band, truly wonderful people. And Attilla, Our German Tour Mngr. He works for our German Promoter - D.S.P. Cheers to you guys. The day began with the sad news that the bus couldn't park near the venue. So, we get to use a mini-van to shuttle the equipment back and forth. Looks like a good opportunity for a bumper ride down the ice covered street. In case you don't know what this is, it's when you grab the vehicles bumper and slide on your feet. Sounds like fun. It was for about 50 meters, but then, for some reason, the driver mis-interpreted my horrified screams of "SLOW DOWN!!" for "SPEED UP". I was sliden'. Kevin started the ride with me, but hit the only dry patch and fell off, thus getting to watch my possible death. Then we played yet another great show. The real fun began later that evening as the end of German tour party took place. Drank the biggest beer ever. You should have seen the size of it. Like a keg with a handle. When we all reached a nice level of drunkeness, the true comedic talents of Dean (Rezin guitarist) came out. Oh yeah, so did Heiko's (Cucumber drummer) ass. You should've seen Heiko and Dean Break Dancing. My my my....Dean capitalized on his award winning tour quote, "Come on". Rumor has it that he even quoted in his sleep. Oh yeah, almost forgot to mention the popularity of my one ball tonight. Got alot of questions about that one. Woke up with an egg in my bed. IS this a hint? Ciao Germany.

12/22 Biebob - Vosselaar, Belgium - Hereweareagain
Show was cool. Someone from "the Brotherhood Foundation" walked in on Chris while showering. While this might be fun for some, Chris wasn't feeling randy enough to parlay this into a exciting 2 men in a shower tour story. So he shouted something like "TRY KNOCKING NEXT TIME!!!" which brought the response, "Oh, I'm so sorry Mr. Rock Star" Making friends on an international level is what we're all about basically. BUT, Something must be said about Biebob Bob. Over the years clubs open and clubs close, you meet new people, make new friends, but there has been one constant for us. His name is BOB. On our first tour of Europe (1988 ?) we played at his club, and just about every tour since. He's fed us taken care of us let us use his flat for showers (and long distance phone calls). A guy who is the Owner, DJ, Lightman, Bartender, Cheerleader, and all around swell guy to know. On this, the closing night of our Christmas Tour we drink to BOB. Thank You, Good night. (Chris wore his golden elvis jumpsuit for the encore again. Actually we are all starting to worry though, as he has taken to wearing it on days off.)