All Tour Stories

"Five Guys" - U.S. Tour 1995

Posted: November 15th, 1995 by Hinge

Oct. 28 Green Mantis - Wilkes Barre, Pa.
Usually, one would begin at the beginning. This is our 6th show, and shall use my power to mark this as the true beginning of our tour. The other shows included a show at the Saint in Asbury Park, home of the new owner of my bicycle wheels. Fuckin prick. Anyhow, the Wilkes Barre show was fun. Great milkshakes. Many opening bands. Very young audience. Reminded me of the cast of "Kids", in general appearance only. I don't think the youth of today is quite as hopeless as the movie portrayed them.

Oct. 29 I-ROCK - Detroit (Rock City) MI.
I-ROCK, (that's truly the name of the club) We were driving. A lot. Pulled into Detroit and quickly decided not to attend the Knife and Gun show. Kevin makes a few wrong turns (many more to come). Found the club. Hey, there's a sign above the door.... "Featuring LA style bands".? What the hell are we doing here. In a quick group decision, we decide to change our stage names. Chris Roxx, Hinge Thunder, Johnny Skinz, Kevin Powers (don't even need to change it, he's metal already) and Bill Azelbub. Ok, we ready to rock. The gathered masses swell at 5. Johnny Skinz looks great on his castle of a drum platform/alter. We're really rockin. Oh shit, my guitar strap fell off. No need to worry though, because the soundman comes to my rescue, maglight clutched in his teeth. Thanks man. Oops, stepped on my cord and pulled it out. Okay, back in action. Cue the smoke. No, not over there, right into Chris's face. As a result, Chris sings an entire song in coughs. Enough said.

Oct. 30-31
Off on the road to Denver- 2 days off. What to do? Hmmm.....I know, lets drive. We decide to stop in Des Moines Iowa for an overnight stop. Hey look, there's a Denny's right next to a cheap motel. Perfect. We ate at a lot of Denny's during this tour. We love it. Home of the $1.99 Grand Slam , 5 am to 10 pm. Went to see "Mallrats" at the mall. Bad timing. Seems it trick or treat at the mall night. 1000's of average midwestern families circle the mall like vultures, scooping of goodies in there average family hands. Honestly, it made me dizzy. Sick even. The movie. Not as good as "Clerks". Jay and Silent Bob were definitely the best characters. Hey Kevin, if your reading this, why not consider using some high quality Mucky Pup music in your next film. We're practically neighbors. Next day.... somewhere on the ride to Denver, Bill's primal, simian-like dark side emerges for the first time. He goes monkey. Very scary. Relief comes in the form of Denny's for dinner. Then bed.

Nov. 1 Mercury Cafe - Denver, CO
Denny's for Breakfast. It's cold here. Mercury Cafe. Oh, I get it. So, we shop around a bit, eat at Hooters. Go to the club and notice it looks like the set of "Friends". Kevin has a friend in Denver. I (hinge, you idiot) was born here. Play our first gig with the Dickies. We get to play for 10 people or so. Blah. Foreshadowing of things to come. When we get to play before 30 - 50 people, perhaps I'll get more descriptive. Here's some more foreshadowing..... Hunter and Stephanie Nix. Two other characters that shall appear later.

Nov. 2 Another day off
Woke up and felt like driving. Five hours later, I'm greatly regretting this urge. Ice forms on my windshield. Wipers not functioning. Drive 75 miles at 35 miles per hour on ice, no vision, entire band white-knuckled. This sucks. Kevin sees mysterious lights. How come no one else saw them? Destination, Amarillo, TX.

Nov. 3 Orbit Room - Dallas TX.
We're still driving. It still cold. Denny's beckons. La Quinta and Denny's, what a combo. Found the club in the awkwardly named "Deep Ellum" district of Dallas. Another low turnout show. Note. . . thanks to the one true Mucky Pup fan that appears at every show. We love you. Next morning, we decide to search for the "Grassy Knoll". I'm not sure, but I think a good way to offend someone from Dallas is to ask for directions to the grassy knoll. Anyhow, we get directions and there it is. So we park the van and I immediately fall on my face. I think somehow this is a psychic reaction to being here. Kinda weird. At the site of my earliest historical memory (I'm that old). Lot's of cheesy salesmen selling Info books with awful Kennedy renditions. There also filming a movie here starring Delta Burke. Something about a baby and the court. Probably sucks.

Nov. 4 Emo's - Austin TX.
Cool, the capital of Texas. Great gig. More than 20 people. They even liked us. We got food money and paid. Things go rapidly downhill from here. Got a cold. Gave it to everyone else. Sorry. Here's a shout out to the Bootsy Collins like street performer who funked over the endless bassline.

Nov. 5 The Attic - El Paso, TX. -
Hey, want to know a fun thing to do on the road. Go to Walmart, or Kmart , or any other huge retail store. Go to the courtesy desk. Ask to have Bob (or Barbara) Buoy paged. Ha ha ha ha ha. Always fun. Anyhow, didn't have a great time here. Had to negotiate for playing position in the swollen line-up. Asked to take a pay cut. Ate beat food. End of tale of woe.

Nov 6-7 Albuquerque, N.M.
We were still drivin. I like it alot. So far. It gets worse, I assure you. Any how, have an nice day off here. Hot tub and heated pool. $90 mexican dinner complete with potent Margarita's (yeah, I know my spelling sucks). Day 2, we're schedualed to play at a club called Golden West. Remember the name Hunter. Well, thanks to him having a bad day, we didn't play this show. Why. Cause Hunter's a dick. We spent the whole day hanging around the club. Contributing money to the local economy, prompt as usual. Set up all of our high-tek rock equipment. Prepare to go for a bite to eat. On the way out the door, Chris notices the evenings schedule. Seems we're not scheduled to play. What's this? Chris asks why. " Why,...I didn't even want the fucking band. If your nice, I'll think about paying you." These words were spoken by dick Hunter. It gets louder. He says he's having a bad day. Says Stephany Nix had to beg him to even let us play. Enter evil character #2. So, the dialog continues. Hunter engorges into an even larger dick. We decide to split. Fuck him. If you ever get a chance to play in Albuquerque, please avoid the Golden West, at least until Hunters out of there. He sucks. Fortunately, this mishap proved to be a blessing in disguise. Why.....? Read on travelers.

Mucky Pup has a day off at the Grand Canyon

Nov. 8 - The Grand Canyon
Kevin drove all night. I awaken to him shouting "ELK!!" It's 4:45 in the morning and we're 72 miles from the canyon. Our goal is to make it by sunrise. Truly one of the most surreal drives of my life. Saw shooting stars. Elk. Coyotes. Snow Covered Mountains. Stopped to take a picture and heard a 360 degree echo of my voice shouting "doe", like Homer Simpson(more foreshadowing). We approach the Canyon. We make it to the south rim right on time, and park at Mather Point. We pile out of the van to behold the truly awe inspiring sight before us. Soon, we're surround by an international group of travelers, each uttering "ooh, whoa and shit" in their native tongues. Yeah, it took our breath away. As a matter of fact, it also took the breath away from my ass before the 30 or so people around me. The duration was just long enough to allow everyone to see me with my fart face, my body contorted in prime fart position . After the event, I heard someone say " Ah, the wonder of nature." Yeah. Also heard a "goodmorning to you". Thanks. As the day wore on, everyone else fell asleep as I continued into my 24 hours plus of sleeplessness. Went for a hike into the canyon. 1 and a half miles of fun. They say it takes twice as long to come back up. I made the return trip 15 minutes shorter than the descent. Must be because I'm spry. They probably base that figure on average wimps. Like Hunter. Here's a nature tip. If you want to get a deer to look at you for a photo, don't go "hey" or "whoa" or make stupid kissy noises. Just yell "doe" like Homer Simpson. Works every time. And so the day wore on. Got free binoculars. Big dinner. Saw a skunk. Bats. More deer. Made friends. Couldn't sleep. Watched Booge cry over 90210. Still couldn't sleep. Ate apple grunt. Everyone urged me to sleep. Did, then awoke to my companions irritating deer outside our window. Chris observed that they were outside while we were behind glass. Very deep thought. Next day, more fun, and we're off. Thanks fucking cocksucker Hunter of Albuquerque. Blow me.

Nov. 9 The Mason Jar - Phoenix, NM.
So, we drive all day to Phoenix. Arrive at the club. Guess what? We're not scheduled to play. So, we make 20 phone calls. Here many bullshit stories. Oh yeah, it's Chris's birthday. Things not going quite as planned. We get permission to play. Great. Where's Dennys. Hey, Super Slam, just $2.99. Features 3 pancakes, 3 eggs, and 3 hunks of dead animal (did I mention that I'm a vegetarian?). Bye

The Whiskey-a-Go-Go

Nov. 10 The Whisky-a-Go-Go - Hollywood, CA.
My my. Playing at the Whisky. House of Jim Morrison. Cool. Best gig of the tour. Made a video. 4 cameras. Great. (See a Clip) Dyed my hair red for the occasion. Kevin tried blue but it came out lame Kermit green. oops. Hey, want to share the experience. After the gig, we make an ill fated attempt to view the city from Griffith observatory. Get chased by the guards. Off to Dennys for a snack. Yeah.

Nov. 11 Brick by Brick - San Diego. CA.
Hey, we're the opening band. $50.00. Good thing I got Starbucks and a nice walk on the beach. Oh yeah, got pushed around by a large elderly women. Told her to blow me. Ever see the movie "Youth Brigade" about a young punk band on tour. We're having much more fun then they did, while making about the same amount of money. Where's Dennys? Did I mention that Dennys is the official caterer of Mucky Pup. As you can see by the shrinking size of my entries, things aren't going so good. At least as far as gigging is concerned. We're still having fun. Trust me. Bill hasn't gone monkey in days.

Nov. 12 Showcase Theater - Corona CA.
Which I had one about now. Not happy. Not my kind of city. We're not even listed in advertisements for this show. So, after a long boring day, we get to go on first and We hear that a Stephanie Nix has something to do with it. If anyone out there has an email address for her (not the member of Fleetwood Mac, the ho who used to work for the Atomic agency)please send it to us. We have a bone to pick. Anyhow, this was to be our last gig of the tour. We had just about enough disappointment thank you. Sorry Berkley, San Jose, San Fransisco Portland and Seattle. We'll make it your way soon. Unless there's a fucking cocksucker of a bastard named Hunter in your town.

Nov. 13 - Hollywood again
We spent a glorious day at Universal Studios and Kevin chatted it up with Sharon (the black singer on the latest MTV Real World) She was on Holiday and heard that Kevin was single. Well you can guess what happened. Got tickets for the Price is Right. Spend many hours sitting around dreaming of riches. Finally get in. Win nothing. Yell like a bunch of idiots. If your interested, our show will air on Jan. 19, 1996 and Bill (our bass player is the bearded freak in the first row). Eat at Dennys. See ya.

The Drive Home

So ends our tour. After our Price is Right experience, we begin the journey home. Our goal? Coast to coast without stopping. The result. 49 hours, Hollywood to Bergenfield. A record? Hope so. Next stop, Europe. (Do they have Denny's over there?) Happy Holidays!